SYMPHONY ODD

The blog has moved

2010-10-13T09:15:00.001-07:00

:)
I moved the blog to here:
SYMPHONYODD

safety..

2010-07-22T12:30:00.000-07:00

Though the coat would not be

what I would have chosen for myself,

I find it comforting and inviting.

I appreciate the warmth and the

sunshine without rays that it seems to provide.

Sturdy as an oak..

I lurk within the linings looking for familiarity.

I am almost never disappointed.

If able to speak words,

I wonder what stories would be shared.

I rest my head in all seasons

Of the companion that is always there.

2010-07-20T12:03:00.000-07:00

So every thought of every day I long to hold them captive.

Instead I wind up finding the opposite will happen.

nothing at all

2010-07-08T11:18:00.000-07:00

No patience

No will

No support

No gumption

No reason

No love

No options

No help

No hand to hold

No future

No now

…….

gardening

2010-06-22T15:08:00.001-07:00

She goes out every morning and feeds the empty earth.

Though the night before was restful the day ahead is ready for birth.

As the water hits the ground and spreads throughout the cracks

It nourishes roots within and starts to show some slack.

The sunshine is at the side and slowly moves above

To guide the flowers’ beauty, they follow light and open up.

A day can always change from bright to somewhat stormy

One may not predict just how violent or even how lonely

The darkness can be as the natural waters flow

Onto the ground giving more nourishment for the garden to grow.

A chastisement is sent bending stems to the ground

She abandons her safety to see if they are to even be found

Standing at her spot, the one she comes to every morning

She sees them a little wilted but underneath some more buds are forming.

The twists and turns of life and all the in betweens

May leave us feeling beaten but really its all routine.

Breathless...

2010-06-21T16:56:00.001-07:00

I am breathless.. as you would be

The sunset of a summer’s night..

The crescendo of a wedding song

As the bride comes in sight…

I am breathless..

The sight of you makes my knees weak

My heart does swoon and I sway

The sight of you every morning of every day…

I am breathless

I am breathless when you speak to me

Ever so clearly and unmistakably

Truths smiting out the lies

Comforting me in pain when it arrives

I am breathless to know

All creation is yours alone

My day is never empty

Nor is my cup ever low

I am breathless for my King

You brought me alive from death

I am breathless… I sing

I lean on you to catch my breath

thistle

2010-06-03T07:31:00.000-07:00

Doubt my intentions

for your cheap ashes

I fight my way through

knowing your reaction.

Everyday is a battle

at which we chose

to win or lose.

Who really knows---

---the way we'll feel tomorrow

When yesterday is a memory

and the rain that is felt today

is an awakening.

I wish to descend,

out on a limb,

filled with thorns to

know I can feel again.

To push away, blow away

the broken pieces,

to sweep them up and

make them reason---

---themselves to me

to make me see

what I believe

can only make me, me.

thump

2010-06-03T07:26:00.001-07:00

The beating of two

Sync into one

With the rhythm alters

Separation has begun

not here...

2010-05-26T11:40:00.000-07:00

Words that confuse

And lies that interpret

Where a person’s heart is

Where their passions are

It just isn’t right.

Being broken

By one of your own

And feeling alone

Hanging on to a thread of truth

Almost to tired to fight.

The haze is so thick.

I am feeling stuck in mud.

The kinds that pull you in

Deeper and deeper,

Every time you try to move.

Though that thread

Of truth that I’m clung to

Is stronger than my might

Or your’s.

I have nothing to lose.

what we strive for...

2010-05-11T21:12:00.000-07:00

I never thought of eternity

In its entirety.

Not a forward

Not a backwards

But a simple state of being.

Knowledge is a craving

To be superior

A knowing

A safety net

Something to be obtained

Neither, I am sure

Are something we can grasp

It eludes

It confuses

A heart even one claimed pure.

I rest in faith

Unseen

As the wind

It’s there as it blows

Always present even when it fades.

Do you hear that?

2010-05-11T06:32:00.000-07:00

You may think that's rain you are hearing outside but really it is my cup being poured. Dare I say it is overflowing?

I had some awesome quiet time this morning. I am not sure I am ready to even MOVE yet as I want to read more. I am not sure I can really expound creatively on what I have just learned but here it is in its rough forum.

In my reading this morning there was a reference to a quote by Oswald Chambers.

Our soul’s history with God is frequently the history of the “passing of the hero.” Over and over again God has to remove our friends in order to bring Himself in their place, and that is where we faint and fail and get discouraged. Take it personally: In the year that the one who stood to me for all that God was, died—I gave up everything? I became ill? I got disheartened? Or—I saw the Lord?

It must be God first, God second, and God third, until the life is faced steadily with God and no one else is of any account whatever. “In all the world there is none but thee, my God, there is none but thee.” Keep paying the price. Let God see that you are willing to live up to

the vision.

I cannot tell you how many times I have continually looked to others for my self worth, my sustenance, my rocks and so on. I think I have honestly stumbled upon one of my major triggers for depression. “Over and over again God has to remove our friends in order to bring Himself in their place, and that is where we faint and fail and get discouraged.”

That is me completely. What is funny is this revelation was coming. I have been in the throes of this for some time now. I am grateful for the “aha” moment. It is almost a relief.. what am I saying? It is a complete relief to know and rest in this.

I will not be discouraged any more as I know who my Friend is. I’ve written poetry about it for the last several months (more I haven’t shared) but what’s funny is I haven’t been living like I call it. Today, I am looking up!

[this is in reference to some reading I was doing in 2 Chronicles 26:21-27:9, Isaiah 6:1-8 and 2 Kings 15:32-35.. The calling of Isaiah, the prophet, and the fall of Uzziah - from the study Breaking Free by Beth Moore]

Captive

2010-05-04T17:27:00.000-07:00

Holding captive of my thoughts

I am reminded that I am the one who fuels them.

The enemy merely suggests

I am the one who doesn’t stand up to him.

Thankfully, I am not the final

Author with authority

I have a place secure

One I cannot see but is there eternally.

Tonight may turn away

But tomorrow is always new

Looking on with fresh resolve

Holding captive of all I do

Anna...

2010-05-01T20:15:00.000-07:00

Anna entered her room alone but she wasn’t. Holding her cigarette in her hand she considered all the possibilities, the different routes she could take to amplify her feelings. She wasn’t sure what feeling she was trying to amplify. Some would argue that she sought after attention, notoriety. Those who played the shrink card in their spare time would say she wanted pain, to hurt herself. She saw it differently. She simply wanted to feel again.

It had been years since anything had been right in Anna’s life. She came from one abusive home to another. However the place she lived in now, she was not in harm’s way but there was an air of apathy everywhere. No one was able to keep track of her coming and goings, not that she could be held accountable at this stage for anything. She had gone too far.

Anna sat down on her bed while setting her cigarette down in the ashtray next to her. She knew she was a charlatan but had gotten herself into a world that she did not know how to get out of. She claimed to know all the answers. Really, she was a hypocrite. One part of her clung to this desire to be something she wasn’t sure she was. The other part of her prayed every single night, longing in her heart, for everything to be alright in her world.

Some nights, she longed for death. Then the next night she’d pray for life. While she thought she knew what she wanted, Anna knew nothing. Who was she praying to? Anna knew about Jesus. He was God after all. God was this figment of what her parents wanted for her. She treated Him like her own personal Jeanie.

A lot her time was devoted to learning as much as she could about the occult. Sure she claimed to everyone she knew that she wanted to only practice good magic. Why was it then, that all she ever searched for was the darkness?

There was a precarious balance in which she lived in but Anna worked it. She knew just what to share, and when to share it. She knew what would turn people away and used it often to get that feeling, whatever that feeling was. She knew how to get her way in most situations and was rarely denied anything she wanted, a true manipulator.

Picking up her cigarette and contemplating her very existence, she found herself heartbroken. Tears ran down her face as she considered where she had come from, the last place she called home. Those who had hurt her, she longed for desperately but knew there was no way to get back to it. She muttered out a prayer to the one true God.

“Oh God! Please…” she started aloud.

No sooner did the words leave her mouth, did the apparition come out of her closet. The closet was a wall length walk in closet. It had a set of double folding doors on either side of the room. It came out and glided to the other set of doors and went back in the closet. It was blacker than night, if anything could be so.

Dropping her cigarette she jumped up and ran to the bedroom door. She had the sense to run back in and grab the cigarette and run out of the room.

Some nights were like this. It normally did not bother her. At times she could only sense it. Sometimes she only heard it. Other times, Anna could see it but never this close and tangible. Why was this night any different and why had it spooked her so? Wasn’t that what she was looking for every other day? At times it fed that feeling in her that she searched for.

This time, it almost seemed to deplete her resolve to continue forward in those twenty seconds she saw it.. almost. In the next moment she felt drawn in even further as if the whole experience was an attestation that she was in this further than she had realized and was heading down the path that beckoned her considerably.

Rollercoaster

2010-04-30T19:32:00.000-07:00

I have been known to go to amusement parks from time to time. What some people do not know is the shear anxiety that it creates within me. I realize I make absolutely no sense. I prepare for this long awaited trip and get so involved in all the details. I arrive at the park with the bulkiest expectations and smack talk of what ride I am going to ride and how many times.

What ends up happening is that I get in line and wait for long periods for one ride. At the end of the line I am all brave but as the line moves me further my resolve starts to leave me.
I hear the screams of others on the ride that constantly runs. So there is no escaping the thrill as I’m waiting. By the time I find myself in front of the line, next to go on, I feel close to sick. I will then sit down and make sure my seat belts are attached by checking them thoroughly about one hundred times. It is at this point that I start to really freak out. I am mentally yelling at myself. I am surprised no one can hear it. I am furious.

“WHY am I on this ride? I do not like rides! I am going to die! I just know it. If I live, this is the last ride I am going on. This is so stupid. What am I going to do? I cannot get off now.”

You have to understand, I have myself convinced that this is the end of my life, as I know it. I truly mean with all my heart that I am not getting on another ride.

The roller coaster will take me up the hill and we go through the motions of the whole ride. I am then rolled into the station, right where we began, feeling alive and having a sense of accomplishment. I am so enthusiastic that I decide to go on another ride, perhaps even the very same one I just got off of. What makes no sense is I repeat this almost every time I get on a new ride.

This all came to my mind as I was thinking about my husband tonight. The whole oneness that describes marriage fits our relationship completely.

I knew for weeks and weeks that he was going on this men’s retreat. I encouraged it with all my heart as I know it will be balm for his. Part of me was ready to go up north because it takes the sting out; not being home without him is easier than sitting in my home feeling his absence. This year, I could not make the trip. I had to stay home.

So as he was preparing to leave last night and this morning it was like I was in that line for the ride. My resolve was slowly leaving me. So I sat here. I tried pretending he was at a meeting and tried distracting us with several movies. I let the kids stay up past their bed times and made a movie theater with them. It is my first evening alone with the children in our home. My first time alone in this home period. One of my children in particular was especially having a hard evening without Brian’s presence. It is sort of like the screaming I hear on the ride prior to my getting onto it. They do not understand why we cannot call to talk to him as we have other times when we have gone up north. So the reminder of his absence is constant. He doesn’t receive a signal all the time, where he is.

Now the kids are all in bed. I feel like I am on the ride, seat belts locked, though I keep checking to make sure they are. I dread the hill and the plunge that follows but I know that at the end of the ride, I will have a sense of accomplishment and courage to face another day.

of mind..

2010-04-25T21:44:00.001-07:00

A heartbeat

A moment in time

The breath of a lover

Given to sleep

A sigh of surrender

Forgetting the doubt

Not giving to fear

Just how to remember.

what's of pain?

2010-04-24T21:38:00.001-07:00

What really goes on is not usually told

Instead a line here or there

Or your own version of a story that you’ve sold.

The same is with death, It isn’t always the end

It could be the beginning

Of your life completely on the mend.

Like the tingling of leg that has fallen asleep

The pain it produces as life

Slips back in and blood flows down to your feet.

Pain is a healer and often an alarm

Of things gone awry

Attention is needed to prevent further harm.

When you deal with the facts

And all is in place

Life takes over and all is intact.

As of Now

2010-04-21T13:42:00.000-07:00

From presently to afar

a story has been told.

The characters that play the part are changing

and never fit in any type of mold.

Just when you think

That you have life figured out

Something will occur, a circumstance that changes

Everything you knew, felt, or thought about.

How does one go back

When forward is the only order?

If you live backwards and out of sync your

Brokenness is even bolder.

Then as suddenly as day light will appear

The solution stands in front of you

Do you ignore it or reach out through the fear?

It is a hand to hold onto.

The first step is the hardest,

It is always said.

To move forward a second at a time.

Towards healing as it slowly spreads.

Nothing short of miraculous,

Overcome with emotion

Your continued steps of faith

Sets your life on course in a forward moving motion.

The story is never over

And here it does not end

It passes down from one to another

The love from our one true Friend.

----------------------------------------------------------------

After writing I found these verses as "passage of the day". I couldn't help but it to be very appropriate for how I was feeling:

John 10:28-30 (New International Version)

²⁸I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. ²⁹My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all^[a]; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand. ³⁰I and the Father are one."
------------------------------------------------------

John 15:15 (New International Version)

¹⁵I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.

the Ground up

2010-04-16T14:53:00.001-07:00

What one is often offered

who can guarantee?

The blocks on which we're built

are impossible to see.

You take a tiny seed

and push it in the ground.

You water, sun, and will it

a bud pops from the mound.

When it's fully grown,

in it's glorious appearing

You look down underneath

from the seed there is a clearing

The roots take hold

The leaves spread out

A miracle

without a doubt.

So while one can grow so vastly

and another cannot agree.

What one may offer

no one else can guarantee.

2010-03-16T10:42:00.000-07:00

Oil dripped from the memory.

It hung on a canvas wall.

I was told never to touch it

However, my handprints were found.

Now they will always remember me.

Me….

I am hoping to forget.

I try to lose myself to the breeze.

It blows so hard.

When that is not enough,

I turn up the music, oh so loud, to drown it out.

Though the thoughts will not submit.

Scars come in many shapes and sizes.

Some you can see,

others not so easily.

The attributes are endless.

Me..

The newest -

lack of silence.

A constant ringing or roar is

of what my new silence consists.

A constant companion and reminder

of how I tried to drown it all out.

Now the thoughts of my own or

flouts of others’ reverberate all my senses.

Acrimoniously I am left

My heart in withdrawal

My friends and enemies seem all

Simply one in the same.

Isolation is a longing

my solitude like the painting's newness bereft.

Irony

2009-11-23T12:35:00.000-08:00

We have spotted many deer where we live. Sometimes they are in our back yard, our neighbor's yard. We get excited every time we see one. However, recently they have taken to playing this game with me.

This game usually occurs when I am going to or from somewhere after dark. I can picture them making this game up. Their conversation would go something like this:

"Do you see her coming? Sweet! Now when she gets to about right here at the edge of this here driveway, run out and across her as fas as you can."

"We'll see who's the fastest this time."

I'm not sure what their goal is. Is it for me to wreck my car? Hit one of them? Are they really aspiring evil kenevils?

I figured this game out after two attempts of trying to give me a heart attack. I'll pull out of my driveway and start heading down the road. Again, it happens at the same spot every time. I'm driving and out bolts these two giant deer.

I slam on my breaks. I break into a sweat and off they trot down this long driveway. Once again, they've made it to safety, thankfully!

No matter which way I'm coming they are running from the north to the south side of the street.

"psst.. hey fella.. here she comes again.."

Then they bolt.

I'm on to them now. Now, when I pass that mark, I have my brights on looking for them. I cannot see the deer well without them on.

I think they are bored now that I'm not playing along with their dare devil ways.

A week ago last Sunday, I had to take my husband to the urgent care for the flu and pneumonia. I had dispersed all my children at friends' houses so they wouldn't have to wait hours with us and contract who knows what.

I've forgotten in the last couple of months how tedious driving in a city is. There's lights every half a mile and it's just slow. I had to drive back to pick up all my children.

As I'm driving down this city street, usually full of traffic, this ONE doe decides to make a break for it. It was by the grace of God that I only brushed her tail with my bumper. Sometimes when I think about it, I picture us magically passing through the doe's rear end. I'm not sure how I missed her.

The irony kills me that I would have to come out to the city to hit a deer. The deer in the country have had me on their radars for weeks, trying to get me to do something and all this time it took a city deer.

being exposed

2009-10-19T19:39:00.000-07:00

Since moving out of the city that we used to live in, I have found comfort in the fortress of trees around my new home. It is not just at my house that has this either. It is everywhere and I take notice. I absolutely love nature. I love trees, grass, flowers, sky, air and anything that is out doors really.

I was thinking about it while I was driving through the back country roads the other day, all of the houses are being exposed.

During the spring and summer months, we live in the shade, safety and comfort of the big trees and their HUGE green leaves. Now, that security is being taken down and all is being exposed as to what is behind all of the trees, leaving us prey to all the elements.

Life can be like this - We go through seasons with these walls or circumstances. Perhaps they are good walls or maybe they are walls that we've put up that don't belong there at all. I don't know which it is for you but what I do know is change is inevitable. Nothing stays the same! So we start to grow.

I'm thinking this is our colorful time. While trees turn these gorgeous shades of red, orange, yellow and it is beautiful to watch, the truth is, the tree is dying to itself. We'll do the same. We die to our circumstances and ultimately, if we are lucky, we'll die to ourselves and surrender to God because only HE can bring us back in the following season of our life, where ever that may be, stronger than ever.

I keep thinking of all the houses and how they are exposed and the properties are looking bare. I notice some are decorated for the fall. I know some will have Christmas lights soon. I kind of wonder how I'm looking to others right now. I'm not worried for vanity reasons but have to continue to have an attitude check. Growing, for me, is painful. Am I adorning myself with Him so that my natural Sonlight shines through the bleakness? Can people see my beautiful red, orange, yellow leaves? Or am I allowing the wind to chaff me and those who walk past?

So meanwhile, I'm conscious of trying to find beauty in my season. Things are raw, bare and we probably haven't even hit the peak of the season, which is why I'm hanging onto Him even tighter to pull me through.

Thankfully, because I have faith and I know He is always there for me, before I know it, I'll be blooming again, and so will all my trees!

A day worth remembering who was wearing what shoes

2009-08-29T12:19:00.001-07:00

What a gorgeous day today is! It looked ominous this morning but as I ventured out today... it has proved to be gorgeous!

I stepped out in the sun room and snapped these pictures. A few details that one cannot grab from looking at these is that there's a blue heron lurking somewhere on the far left behind the purple tree. Also, in the middle of the lake are some branches that were blown in from a storm several weeks ago. They've been stuck there ever since. On one of the branches is a turtle. What a neat little fella he is! Brian has some binoculars that I have confiscated. The children and I are enjoying looking through them at all the animals.

Oh and to note: Yes, the blue heron has managed to catch him some food. Abi is not privy to this. Lastly, but not least by any stretch, is the wind and how it is blowing like crazy. I see the clouds and I know there has got to be something blowing in. After all, we are singing Rain Down tomorrow for worship. Every Sunday we sing that song, there's a down pour. I don't mean to sound supersticious but it seems to ring true!

So I took a drive about 9 miles away from here. The drive was beautiful! I decided to participate in Angel Food Ministries this month. So I placed my order last month and finally got to pick it up today. I goofed up on where I should pick up and chose a church further away from me than I would like but the drive was so worth it.

Now, I spent $138. I got so much food. I'm super impressed with it. I am excited to see how far this stretches. I'm going to keep a note on how much I spent over and how long this lasted.

Brian went to the church today to take Tyler for some worship team meeting for the high school youth group. Tyler has really improved as a musician and if the truth be told is leaps and bounds ahead of Brian when Brian was his age. He does have an awesome teacher so that really helps. Brian encourages him constantly and does whatever he can to help him in this.

While Brian was away Abigail drew a portrait of Brian. I couldn't help but WANT to share this. Daddy is everyone's favorite hero around the house! Too bad he was NOT around to save us from the gianormous hornet I found INSIDE the house. Good grief! I almost lost my voice screaming as I killed it. It was the biggest hornet I have EVER seen.

(this is Ethan's Airplane)

The kids have been feeling very creative today. So I've let them have all the Angel Food boxes and such. They made signs. These signs were for me.. simply to make me happy. Sam announced I could change them at will.

Then they made carnival signs. One of the carnival rides were walking around in high heel shoes. At first it was a game but then Abigail said, "We are walking around in heels because.. well.. because it makes us feel good." Then they specifically asked me to take a picture of their tootsies in the shoes.

It's just one of those days that nothing profound has happened but it was all the little things combined that make my heart sing. It draws me close to God and in reverence to all these little things that make me stop and enjoy the moment. I wanted to try and capture as many of those today as I could and I'm SO grateful the day is NOT over yet!

P.S. I believe I fixed the comment problem. Let me know if it doesn't work.

Love Song For a Savior

2009-08-23T19:44:00.000-07:00

My youngest twin is a HUGE fan of Jars of Clay. This video is incredibly precious to me. She's really singing it! The lyrics are below. The whole car is singing along. I pray my kids long to fall in love with their Savior! This video was shot last winter.

"Love Song For A Savior"
Jars of Clay
In open fields of wild flowers,
she breathes the air and flies away
She thanks her Jesus for the daises and the roses
in no simple language
Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all
He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close a heartbeat or a song on her lips
Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call her and she will come running
and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and she'll pray,

"I want to fall in love with You"

Sitting silent wearing Sunday best
The sermon echoes through the walls
A great salvation through it calls to the people
who stare into nowhere, and can't feel the chains on their souls

He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close a heartbeat or a song on our lips
Someday we'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call us and we will come running
and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and we'll pray,

"I want to fall in love with You"

It seems too easy to call you "Savior",
Not close enough to call you "God"
So as I sit and think of words I can mention
to show my devotion

"I want to fall in love with You"

"my heart beats for You"

Living out my purpose

2009-08-22T07:14:00.000-07:00

We have a Blue Heron living on our lake. I suspect there is more than one that visits. I've counted up to three separate ones. I believe that this one is a girl. I follow the logic of her being less beautiful than the larger bird I've seen coming around.

Yesterday, we learned a little bit about our bird friend. She likes to eat frogs. We live on a lake filled to them brim with giant bull frogs so it does not surprise me that she would choice this spot to nest for a time.

What is even more interesting is her cat like behavior. Have you ever seen a wild cat (lion, cheetah , or tiger) on tv stalk it's prey? They have the uncanny ability to move their legs, swiftly, without the top part of their body moving as they close in on their prey.

Our Heron was doing this yesterday. Can you picture this bird? (I've uploaded this picture from our lake.) She bends over slightly and moves her legs without the bob of her head or without even a feather moving. As she closes in on what she is stalking, she moves faster and more deliberate. Then at the very last moment, we witnessed, a frog (he must have been HUGE if we saw him from the inside of our house) splash into the water JUST as she was in mid air diving for him.

She missed.

One of my youngest daughters was horrified to find out her beautiful new friend was going after her beloved frogs. She's a frog lover!

I was telling this story to one of my friends yesterday. I was explaining how my daughter was pretty upset at our revelations.

My friend promptly said, "But that frog is living out its purpose."

"What?"

She said, "That frog is living out its purpose as being food for the bird. Everything in life has its purpose." She continued on telling me about cows fulfilling their purpose as food for us and so on.

I had never looked at it quite that way. I started to think a little bit more about my purpose and where I am at with it. I realized that God has really taken me on a journey (as He always does) this last year.

For the first time in some time, I am feel peace that I am serving out my purpose. I don't believe that it is limited to one agenda such as, "Simply raise your kids.. the end". I know there are many more things ahead of me to accomplish. I think it is that I have the tendency to over commit and overwhelm myself with things - projects, church things, friends... all of which are wonderful things to be doing and be a part of but I've learned that the more I've spread myself the less efficient I am.

It took me a while to slow down and accept where I am. There was pride in being the high energy woman that did it all. My pride crashed and burned and this high energy woman is learning to put limits on her time and how it is spent.

Right now, making our new house a home and peaceful place for my husband to come back to at the end of the day is my purpose. Raising and teaching my six beautiful kids, that my other purpose. Those are the top two on my list for now. There are a few other things I am working on but they are in the back seat compared to these top listers.

Again I say, I am at peace with my purpose. I am living out my purpose as my purpose is right now.

I am really relieved I'm not a frog! However, having Abigail to hold and love me wouldn't be ALL that bad....